Whose Never Sat on Santa’s Lap? This Girl

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It’s the Friday before Christmas, and all through the blogosphere, most bloggers are absent, except for TK.

The other day, I went for my usual chiropractic appointment and was met with terror in a red suit. There to entertain all the children with a fake beard and red hat that together obscure all facial features but the eyes, was Santa Claus. More specifically, he was a man dressed as Santa.

People who dress as St. Nick, like people who dress as the Easter bunny, clowns and mascots, creepy me the fuck out. That’s right, I used an expletive to describe just how uncomfortable these people, who hide their faces and dance around children, make me.

This isn’t unique to my adulthood. According to my parents, I never sat on Santa’s lap. They tried, as all new parents will, but I cried. It sounds to me like I was afraid to be anywhere near where that guy was. Maybe I knew, even then, that the man hiding behind the beard was not Santa.

Chiropractic Santa tried. He asked if I wanted a cookie or if I wanted a photo, but I just smiled and said no thank you. When I was done with my adjustment, I got out of that place as soon as possible.

I don’t know how to treat these people. Do they seriously want me to pretend that this guy is from the North Pole? People, I can’t lie to save my life. There is no way that I can look at that guy and see anything other than some dude in costume.

The guy wants me to pretend but I can only see him as your average Joe. I’m sorry. I see him ho-ho-ho-ing and being all jolly and I just want to get out before he brings his big, fake belly over to me.

I am not anti-Christmas. I love hanging with my family and giving the people I love presents. The cookies call to me and Victoria’s Secret has a ton of sales. If only the weather wasn’t trying to freeze my toes off, life would be perfect.

Santa is just as awesome as all the rest of those holiday characters. I have no problem with the guy. I just have problems with people who pretend to be the guy.

I’m done trying to rationalize. Sorry guys; I’m a freak of nature. One of these days, I’ll attend a Comic-Con and be rid of the fear.

Happy Holidays, Friends


10 thoughts on “Whose Never Sat on Santa’s Lap? This Girl”

  1. You’re not a freak of nature because there is no other word for it except fucking creepy……I mean I’m a dude, and you couldn’t pay me any amount of money to wear that damn red suit and beard….it is bloody strange; and no offense to those who enjoy doing it….different strokes for different folks I guess; some people like to shave their teeth into fangs, some people like to wear ugly Christmas sweaters….and some people dress up as Santa and let strange kids pee in their lap…….

  2. I’m with you on the fact that people who like to dress up like Santa are creepy. I mean… I hear people talk about there being really legit and jolly white bearded men who do it out warmth and un-creepy love so I will grant that maybe that’s possible, but………. I know that the guy who works in the warehouse of our hospital and refers to himself 365 days out of the year as “Santa” is creepy as hell. And yes, he dresses up and tries to play with children. He’s also one of those people who whispers everything so he has to get really really close to you…

    1. Being Santa all the time is especially creepy. Maybe he really is Santa. He sounds pretty spot on with the stories? Does he have a barn full of reindeer?

  3. As with clowns I have gone through phases of loving Santa and being afraid of him. And the Easter Bunny. Mom was the same way. Maybe it’s in the genes. But maybe it taught me to be brave. This fear of no presents was enough to get my courage up.

    1. I suppose bravery is in there. I think I’m just socially awkward and don’t know if I should treat this person like a person or a fantasy creature.

      Or I’ve never been brave since they still make me uncomfortable.

    1. The whole thing is creepy. Here’s this guy who has secretly been watching (and judging you) all year long. He’s going to break into your house and leave you what he thinks you deserve.

      Now let’s meet the guy!

      NO thanks.

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