Cheating: Is He or Isn’t He?

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There’s a radio show I sometimes catch that does this ridiculous show aimed at catching cheaters. It’s basically the radio version of those TV shows where one spouse hires a crew of camera and actors to confirm his or her suspicions of infidelity. This radio show calls the suspected cheater and tries to get them to own up to a relationship with someone else. Here’s how it went down.

Live, on air and with the suspicious girlfriend on the phone (but not speaking), the radio host called the boyfriend (which the girlfriend had provided). The radio host pretended to be from a delivery service. They told the boyfriend that they were notifying him of a gift they had for him from the alleged mistress. Lets call her Mary to make this easier.

Mary sent you an order of flowers and chocolates. Do you want to set them up to be delivered or do you want to come pick them up, they asked.

He responded that he would pick them up. The radio host then mentioned that their location was extremely close to where he lived and that he could just run it over right now. The boyfriend still declined, saying he would pick it up.

That matter out of the way, the radio host then asked if he wanted to send a return gift. He said they offered a 50% discount if he ordered a return gift during the phone conversations. Egging the man on further, the radio host said the gift the boyfriend was receiving was very nice and that he really should return the gesture. The boyfriend thought about it, agreed and asked what he could get for $40 to which the radio host said he could send half a dozen roses and some chocolates.

The radio host then asked what kind of message he wanted to send. The boyfriend told him to include a card that said “here’s to the next step.”

Then his girlfriend, who had been listening this whole time, dropped the guise. She was mad. Who is Mary? Why did you by her flowers? What do you mean by the next step? I knew you were cheating on me.

The radio host then sang this cheater song, proclaiming that they caught him. They boyfriend was reasonably mad, telling the girlfriend that she always did this and was jealous for no reason. Mary was just a friend and she just got a promotion.

Of course, the actual conversation between the two was not as civil as that above paragraph makes it sound. The radio show took the two off their air to discuss they’re now public problems privately. They then asked:

Would you be okay if your significant other bought a friend a bouquet of flowers? Is that appropriate?

I couldn’t help but think that there was a high likelihood the guy wasn’t cheating. I mean, the radio host lead him to the purchase, telling him he could only get the discount if he ordered now and talking about how nice the gift he was getting was. He never said they were dating and didn’t use any enduring terms. Maybe it was his first reaction after the guise was dropped that made me the most suspicious. “You always do this,” he said. He didn’t act surprised or ashamed. He didn’t show any of the typical signs of a guilty person caught red handed. I personally thought the whole rouse provided very little proof of infidelity.

Also, I would care in the least if D bought another girl flowers. What I think would hurt me is if he did it without telling me. Even then, all it takes is for me to ask, “why did you buy so-and-so flowers?” I’d trust whatever answer he gave me unless his answer was “none of your business.” That would be out of character.

D is allowed to have girls who are friends. He’s allowed to be kind to them and treat them the same as he would any other friend. I don’t see the problem here.

I think the drama kept me listening to the end of the phone call, but I had to change the channel after they asked if it was appropriate to give gifts to friends who are the gender you are attracted to (they kind of stumbled over that explanation too). The whole thing just disturbed me.

Do you think the boyfriend was cheating based on the conversation with the radio host? Is it appropriate to send flowers to someone who is just a friend? Do you think it’s possible for people to be ‘just friends’ with people of the gender they are attracted to? What are the actual signs of cheating?

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21 thoughts on “Cheating: Is He or Isn’t He?”

  1. in my opinion, there is no way you can prevent someone from cheating. if the person is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

    that said, you sort of know if the person is shady pretty much a few dates in. whether or not you want to admit that to yourself, your instincts pretty much tell you that things aren’t right with your relationship. if you have trust issues, then dating someone probably isn’t really the smartest idea until you come to terms with WHY you have trust issues. it’s not fair to dump your insecurities on your partner/relationship because of the things you can’t deal with.

    and one of my best friends is male. i have known him since grade 7 and we see/talk to each other all the time. i see nothing wrong with that. trust is a big thing for me and my husband and we both know that it’s what keeps us together.

    1. I’ve never been the type of girl who has a lot of guy friends (no idea why) but the guys I’m attracted to tend to be the type that have a lot of girls who are friends. It’s not a problem for me either. I wouldn’t bat an eye if he bought something for them. Sometimes friends buy each other things, what’s the big deal.

      I think the thing that bothered me the most about the radio show is that they didn’t give the guy a chance. Whose to say that he wouldn’t have told his girlfriend that he bought a gift for his friend later that night? He didn’t get the chance though, because they just assumed he was cheating and went along with it.

  2. First, is this program called ‘War of the Roses?’ Because my radio station does the exact same thing and it makes me so uncomfortable to listen too. It’s on ‘Mojo in the Morning.’ It bothers me to no end that they consider what they’re doing a service to those couples. Even if the partner is cheating, I really can’t feel bad for the cheated since they brought their personal matters on air. Attention seeking.

    As for that couple, hard to say. The letter back isn’t anything that’d put up a flag for me. I would question it if my hubs did it without telling me, but if he wanted to send someone congratulatory flowers, I’m not going to think anything of it. I would question the girls motives though, if she sent flowers to my hubs for no reason. Either way, I wouldn’t discuss it in front of the world.

    1. ” I would question it if my hubs did it without telling me”

      I agree, but they didn’t give this guy a chance. Maybe he would have told his girlfriend about it later that day. Maybe he had recently done something for him and he thought she was paying him back. Who knows. They didn’t get to have that conversation because of this stupid show.

      I don’t know what the show is called though. I always drive to work at different times, so I rarely listen to it. It’s like Jerry Springer for radio stations.

  3. Hey Tk,
    I’ve heard that radio bit in Chicago and in Detroit and I used to listen to it all the time cuz I thought it was so wild that the radio show would catch these ‘cheaters’ then I read this link which as it turns out….the whole thing is staged with actors, its a Clear Channel Production that they do on radio stations that they own, here’s a link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_of_the_Roses_(radio_show) …..as far as whether or not its appropriate to send flowers to a friend; I think its fine but then again I’m apparently TOO progressive according to most of my friends.

    I used to have a couple really good female friends but the one is now in a relationship and her boyfriend (and his family!) made it clear that they didn’t want her to be friends with me…unless he was present…kinda sad cause we had known each other nearly a decade……oh well.

    The U.S. is simply against opposite sex friendships……so anything like sending flowers, going to coffee together, etc….is considered taboo…….we’re very behind the times when it comes to s**t like that

    1. IT’S FAKE!

      Well, that actually makes me feel better. At least their not ruining real lives.

      I always think it’s a shame when someone bans their significant other from seeing friends of the opposite sex. For some reason, I’ve never had a lot of guy friends, but I do have them. D doesn’t care. I don’t care about the girls he has as friends. I would breakup with someone who couldn’t trust me enough to the point where I was banned from hanging out with certain friends.

  4. I think if you have to go that far to find out if your boyfriend is cheating, you either A) have a sketchy boyfriend or B) have some internal issues and neither constitute being able to have a healthy relationship. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting flowers for a friend, nor is it wrong to have a friend of the opposite sex. The whole point is in trusting the other person. You can’t go around worrying all the time that your partner will cheat. Sure, there could be a chance even the slightest, but is that reason to give up on relationships altogether?

    I also believe in a (healthy) gut instinct. Sometimes, you just know.

  5. What a strange radio show that is. Oh you Americans! It’s about as low as our trailer park trash version of Jerry Springer over here: Jeremy Kyle. That ranges from girlfriends sleeping with brothers and cousins of husbands to working out who is actually cheating, which is usually both of them.
    It’s beyond ridiculous. He may well have been cheating. At the end of the day: If the girlfriend doesn’t trust her boyfriend (or the other way around) enough to the point where they go onto a gimmicky show where the pleasure is clearly for everyone else..then..rethink relationships as a life choice, frankly!

    1. One of the commenters brought to my attention that this is actually a fake show called War of the Roses. They were all actors. It’s better that way, if you ask me. They don’t need to be messing with people’s lives like that. But then, Jerry Springer is probably staged as well.

      Either way, I agree. If someone can’t trust their partner to the point where they voice their suspicions in that public of a fashion, there is something wrong with the relationship.

      1. Oh in a way i’m glad that it’s staged haha. I’m 100% sure that a lot of the dirt that gets dug up on the Jeremy Kyle show in the UK is legit..It’s awful. If someone knew nothing of us Brits and watched that show they would think we’re all inbreds..

        But yeah, I’m glad you agree! Some people are daft, trust is so important and people seem to forget somewhere along the line.

        1. It reminds me of a friend I had in college. Long story short, her boyfriend would flip out if she ever drank one men when he wasn’t around. Obviously, she wasn’t going to put up with that (he wasn’t going to college with her) and she happily went to bars and such. But, if ever he found out, they would be screaming at each other. Neither would give.

          …. they eventually go married, but I wouldn’t call it a trusting relationship

          1. Wow, that’s crazy that a couple like that could end up marrying..I mean, some couples do seem to just stay together because neither has a reason to break up..it’s just..sort of..comfortable I suppose for them. I could never do that I think.

  6. I will never understand why people allow this sort of business to be aired publicly. Honestly, I think it sounds really weird for a guy to buy flowers for a woman who is not his girlfriend– there is just such a romantic connotation. If she were in the hospital or coming back to work after some sort of bereavement leave or something, maybe. I think it’s weird that he just accepted the gift from the random girl. Wouldn’t you be like “wait, what, why?” if she were just a random friend? I may be particularly skeptical just because of the amount of times I’ve been cheated on but it is true that you always sort of “know” so maybe she had that same knowing feeling. Who knows, what an embarrassing mess.

    1. Luckily, I’e since discovered the while scene was fake. They were all actors. I, personally, wouldn’t have had a problem. The problem would have been if he kept the gift a secret from his girlfriend. But he didn’t get a chance to tell her even if he was going to. She just jumped down his throat.

      Thank God it was fake. I’ve heard the show a few times and I feel like it just ruins lives (or it would if it were real). Stuff like that should be dealt with in private.

      1. So, this is sort of a tangent but since reading this I can’t stop thinking about a similar thing I heard on my local radio station… this was a few months ago.
        I don’t remember the premise of why this guy was telling his story, but he was talking about a date he had just gone on with a much younger woman the weekend before– he had made it back to her place and she went to the bathroom for a few minutes, presumably before they were going to hook up. He was sitting on her couch and started flipping through a photo album on the coffee table. Things started looking familiar and then he saw a photo of HIMSELF. It turned out that he had dated the girls mom like fifteen years before and had been a major part of their life and actually lived with them when this girl was really little. Creepy.

        1. Whoa… I wonder if she knew that when she brought him home.

          At least that’s entertaining and doesn’t mess with anyone’s lives. It’s just one more creeper story.

          1. Haha, right? And no, she didn’t know. They ended up calling her and telling her. It was fantastically awkward, I was late to work because I was just sitting in my car listening to it until the very end.

  7. I would be extremely suspicious if the guy didn’t tell me. I do think flowers are a romantic sort of a romantic gesture in some cases, but I think it depends on the type of the relationship between the guy/girl. I think I’d feel a lot better if I knew that girl though. If she was a girl I had never heard of from my boyfriend, then I’d be suspicious too because he’s not telling me about her for a reason, but they’re close enough to be sending flowers. I do believe we should be able to have friends of the opposite sexes though! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!

    1. I agree that the flower thing could be wired, but that it could be okay if the boyfriend tells his girlfriend what he’s doing. My biggest problem with this conversation was that the guy never got the chance to do that. The girl just assumed he was doing this behind her back and never gave him the chance to tell her, of his own free will, what he was doing for his friend. How do we know whether or not he would have kept it a secret?

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