Google and Ye Shall Find TK

This photo, “google books” is copyright (c) 2014 Clive Darra and made available under an Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic license

I loathe to have another weekend devoid of blog posts, but my piece of shit computer is at Acer (AGAIN!) for repairs.  As a consequence, I am super busy planning my next angry speech about how I deserve another year’s warranty and/or a new computer because a brand new computer costing $1,000 with a disk hard drive AND a solid state hard drive should not crash THREE FUCKING TIMES in less than a year. It should not.

Sorry, that angry speech wasn’t meant for you guys.

The other consequence is that I am forced to use my tiny, old, slow and tedious netbook for all computing needs. By use I mean I get frustrated and do all things involving the internet on my phone. Writing a blog post on my smart phone takes up so much more time. I can’t do this you guys. Today, I have a fun short post. I’ve seen many a blogger write about the search terms that bring people to their page.

According to Google Webmaster Tools, I don’t have a lot of clicks yet (I should work on that) but this blog does appear in some pretty interesting search results. Here are my favorites from this past week:

“max 4 the harder they come”

Is this a work out or a porno? That’s a stupid question. If my blog appeared in porn search results, I’d have WAY more traffic.

“Pinocchio spanking”

I know, right! It was terrifying looking at that cuckoo clock.

“fuck forever baby”

This is not the blog you are looking for. Also, that sounds tiring; pick a new hobby. And don’t go near any babies.

“Disney snow white sex”

Again, are you looking for porn or are you wondering if there is sex in the movie? If you’re looking for the Disney movie that is rumored to spell out the word sex in the sky, you’re looking for The Lion King.

Honorable Mention:

“laputa review”

This was my only click via Google this week, so it deserves high praise…. even though my average position is 52 according to Google Webmaster Tools. I’m not going to ask why you went all the way to the sixth page of your search results (who does that). Instead, I hope you found what you were looking for.

What the craziest thing someone searched to find your blog? Will you join me in my anger at Acer? Have you seen Vampire Academy, yet? It’s completely unacceptable if you haven’t. Go see the movie.

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18 thoughts on “Google and Ye Shall Find TK”

  1. TK, one of my favorite past-times when I’m bored is to do exactly what you just did and look at the search phrases that bring people to my site…. my favorite of yours is Pinocchio Spanking! I so don’t want to meet that dude lol what does he do late at night; sit with his dolls and spank em! WAIT A MINUTE… maybe that comedian who does the ventriloquist with that skeleton dummy came to your blog! Maybe he gets off by spanking his dummies at night!

    I’m not sure if I should be proud of this but one of the most frequent searches that brings people to my site is “sex in church”… literally tens of thousands of visitors are set to me by Google looking for sex in church and alas I’ve never written anything explicit on that subject so I’m sure they are all disappointed

    BTW; after not having had a new computer in 5 years I cavedand bought a new one this past week when the ACer that my brother gave me wouldn’t let me use the mouse . I bought the Microsoft Surface and I”M SO HAPPY!!!!! I can’t believe how awesome it is. I will never by another laptop again I think. I spent the extra $130 on the super duper keyboard and the total cost was $520 including tax…. this thing is so beautiful it makes me happy just looking at it. I haven’t seen that movie about the guy that falls in love with SIRI (aka scarlet Johansson) but I think I’m falling in love with my Microsoft surface ………I don’t even want this comment to end cuz it allows me to keep typing on it! 😉 lol its the little things in life that make me happy

    1. Yeah, if anything these search promote the theory that the Internet is for porn. Why else would people search these things?

      I think people searching for sex in the church could be a good thing. Since we no longer get married at 12 Years of age, people are embracing the idea that premarital sex might not be that bad of a thing. That doesn’t mean they want to abandon religion. Maybe people are coming to your blog in search of a religion that isn’t so strict on matters of sex….. or maybe they’re just looking for sex Catholic School girls… whose to know?

      I looked very hard at the Surface when I was looking for a new laptop. It was really important to me to have a large screen and a disk drive, though. I play a lot of DVDs and CDs on computers and I didn’t want to give that up. I also wanted something that would allow me to easily play computer games if I wanted. That was all beyond the Surface. I look forward to the technology improving because the Surface really is fantastic. I would give up the disk drive if it was powerful enough to handle big computer games.

      1. I think the SUrface Pro can handle all the ‘big’ video games because there is an Xbox app that comes with both the surface RT and the Pro and you can download and play the games straight from the surface. Also, you can plug the Xbox controller into the surface! (although I don’t even own an Xbox controller)

        I own a ton of DVD’s but I finally have accepted that DVD’s are going to be extinct; everything is going towards cloud storage and digital files and I gotta say; I love Microsoft Sky Drive a lot!

        You have an interesting take on the ‘sex in the church’ traffic I get cuz I was assuming that people were looking for porn videos of people having sex in church lol… maybe you are right though and they are looking for sex “and” church articles 🙂

        1. I’m very anti-xbox. My loyalties lie with the Playstation. I was more looking to big online games. The best example I have is World of Warcraft. There are some Final Fantasy games that are like that and I wanted the ability to play those if I wanted. My understanding at the time I purchased my computer was that that was beyond a tablet.

          After this experience, though, I might abandon laptops all together. Still, I hope this machine returns to me fixed and last 3 – 5 years.

          1. Well its day 10 of my Surface and I’m still in heaven… it just gets better and better every day. I bought the Xbox 360 controller (just for kicks) and it plugs right into the side of this thing! How cool. AND while I’m so NOT a gamer….i love retro games and there are emulator apps in the Microsoft store for all the old systems, Cube, NES, SNES, N64, Sega, Genesis, etc…. and all the games are free….i downloaded a dozen games and they play seamlessly……

            On a weird note; the last three times I’ve been online you just happened to either make a post or comment at the exact time that I was online… weird….. or maybe u are just online all the time 😉

              1. that explains it….. at least you have an honest excuse to be online during working hours…… all those other millions of people who are using Facebook and social networks while they are at work and they aren’t supposed to be; well they are another story for sure 😉

                1. IF my job did not involve social media, I’d still be online all day. It’s just a given. My phone let’s me know when there’s a comment and, if I have a free second, I reply, I mean, it’s not like commenting on my blog is part of my job.

                  1. Well…..I worked for my dad’s company for many years and had to learn how to uh…’ justify’ whatever it was I was doing to him (he was my boss of course even though I worked for one of his managers) so I would spend hours and hours coming up with creative explanations……

                    If he were alive today and caught me responding to comments on my blog during working hours I would tell him; “oh dad, you know, by responding to comments during working hours it helps me stay sharp in connecting with people so when a client comes in i’ll be at the top of my game!” …then he would roll his eyes, yell at me for a minute that I’m a lazy employee…. but he’d walk out of the room having given up because he never would fire me of course 😉 one of the perks of having your dad be the owner of the company (the other perk was that what was supposed to be a 45 minute lunch breaks usually turned into 2 hour lunch breaks in which I’d sneak away to the book store a block down from our office and read every day) ha ha at times I was such a terrible employee

                    1. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Sometimes you need a break here or there. And sometimes work is slow. What do you do for eight hours if you don’t have much of anything assigned to you that day? Even if you desire to come up with a new idea for your employer, you still need to find inspiration somewhere.

  2. People find my blog a lot by searching for some variation of “sexy couples.” I get a lot of hits from “dating younger men” as well. I’m looking at my WordPress stats. Not sure how to use Google webmaster tools.

    1. WordPress sometimes can’t show me all search terms. Just search ‘Google webmaster tool’ if you’re interested. It even shows you you’re average standing for the terms.

      I guess you’re search terms make since for a dating blog, but I’d expect something closer to ‘dating advice’ as opposed to ‘sexy couples.’

  3. So funny. I need to do one of these posts soon. THIS made me laugh out loud: “pick a new hobby. And don’t go near any babies.”
    Most people who come to my blog are wanting to find out if they’re dating a gay guy or they’re looking for sexting photos. Go figure. There are some pretty weird things in there at times though… I’ll have to do a post and dig through them for the most sordid.

    1. I always wonder what these people wanted to find. Whatever it was, I don’t feel like they choose very good search terms if they came to my blog.

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