Saving Oneself Isn’t Always a Powerful Sentiment

I had no idea I made more than one attempt at writing a song. Yet, here we are again. I have another song to present you. While it doesn’t make a lot of sense musically, I like the words. Clearly I was more of a poet than a song writer. This goes through my life through March 3rd, 2005 – the date I wrote this song. It tells the story of how fear came to control me and how I strove. to overcome.

I was a 14-year-old freshman in high school when I wrote this poem.

Saving Myself

She was born in a big town,
Raised in a small town,
Blessed with the best family a little girl could ever have.
But somehow, some way,
As she entered school days,
her fear got the best of her.

_

Nobody likes me, everyone hates me.
I’m alone, by myself in this world.
For I just cannot bring myself to trust them?
How can I be sure if they’ll let me in?
I’m alone and I’m afraid,
but I’m all right.
I’ll just save myself.

_

And this is what she told herself every night.
As she laid in bed she told herself again,
“Everything’s going to be all right.
Because I have myself and that’s all I need.”
Oh how blind this littler girl could be.
and she said again.

_

Nobody likes me, everyone hates me.
I’m alone, by myself in this world.
For I just cannot bring myself to trust them?
How can I be sure if they’ll let me in?
I’m alone and I’m afraid,
but I’m all right.
I’ll just save myself.

_

But she was wrong…
Nobody hated her.
They all were sorry for her,
for she was the one who avoided them.
The only truth that she told herself,
was that she was the only one,
who could save herself.
and she cried out again.

_

Nobody likes me, everyone hates me.
I’m alone, by myself in this world.
For I just cannot bring myself to trust them?
How can I be sure if they’ll let me in?
I’m alone and I’m afraid,
but I’m all right.
I’ll just save myself.

_

But on this night her soul would not settle.
The words “I’ll just save myself,”
Could not calm her down.
So she asked herself the question,
“What was my deception?”
But there was no answer.
She found nothing she’d done wrong.

_

(musical interlude)

_

That was the night she found out,
They had done no evil to her.
That was the night she found out,
The fault was all hers.
Her fear held her back.
Now it was time to repair was could be.

_

Now this story has a happy ending,
Because her fear no longer controls her.
Anow, my life is my own again.

_

(to the beat of the chorus)

This is my story, of how I realized,
I’m not alone, by myself in this world.
For fear holds me back no more.
As my tragedy ended,
my life began.
I am not alone; I am not afraid.

_

(repeat last 6 lines twice)


This photo, “Paulo Coelho Trust and start walking. We are not alone in the dark, our path will unfold as we move” is copyright (c) 2014 BK and made available under an Attribution 2.0 Genericc license
This photo, “Paulo Coelho Trust and start walking. We are not alone in the dark, our path will unfold as we move” is copyright (c) 2014 BK and made available under an  Attribution 2.0 Genericc license

My mother once told me the reason I didn’t have more friends is because I didn’t want them. She said, as a young child, when we would go to school events, I would hide behind her. I’ll never know if that’s true or not. Did I attach myself to my one friend in Catholic school and have no desire for any others or had bullies already made me that afraid of my peers?

Either way, I could make a change. I was no long in Catholic school. In a public high school, the twenty peers I spent most of my time with increased to over 140. It was time for me to be stronger, to engage in friendships in spite of my fear. Everyone fears rejection to some extent, but if I closed myself off from everyone I sacrificed any acceptance.

After everything that had happened to me in grade school, all the fear, sadness and anger, high school was like a new beginning. I could redefine myself a little, especially in classes where few people from my Catholic school were present.

I think there are a lot of things in life like this. In order to be safe, we can close ourselves off. If we do so, we sacrifice the things we truly want. If I cut myself off from everyone, I faced no rejection, but I also \have no friends. If you stay where you grew up in fear of bigger cities and many strangers, you sacrifice any dream you want to accomplish there.

Humans are meant to struggle. We’re meant to face challenges; it’s how we grow. Interesting how, even though challenges are so important to the happiness of many, we often avoid them in this world. If we want, we can huddle in our home, work remotely, buy groceries off the internet and never step outside. We can be perfectly safe, but does that allow us to be free?

What risks have you taken in the interest of friendship, happiness or dreams? What do you think motivates people to give in to their fear and close themselves off? Have you ever done that? How did you break free from your fear? What advice would give someone trying to overcome a similar fear?

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15 thoughts on “Saving Oneself Isn’t Always a Powerful Sentiment”

  1. excellent read! I was the exact same going through high school, I’d always mope around wondering why I didn’t have more friends or wasn’t in a bigger social circle and my sister would tell me, well that was your choice! Makes even more sense reading your article now!

    You’re right though, struggles are important and I don’t think I ever want to be comfortable – I’m always seeking a challenge which is why I have just returned from 6 months living in the UK and travelling in Europe. Part of what I loved was meeting people who I didn’t have any mutual friends with and so got to know me based on what was in front of them, not on who I was or wasn’t in high school. That definitely reassured me that I can make friends and I have no need to hold back.

    I would say to overcome a similar fear, don’t think about your social life of the past, everyday is a chance to improve on your friendship circles

    1. That’s what college was like for me. Just like that, I was surrounded by people who had no clue about my high school reputation. I could be 100% myself and know I’d find a group that would accept me. It’s a great feeling.

      I was certainly bullied enough that I was terrified of rejection. I think realizing the suspicion I had towards strangers, a defense mechanism against my bullies, was now working against me. I’m happy I realized in high school that many of the things I used to protect myself emotionally were going to hold me back in the future. it wasn’t easy, but acceptance is the first step in overcoming anything.

  2. I’m an introvert by nature and the majority of my hobbies and interests are solitary (or can be) so I was always one to just have a couple of friends. Then in my mid-teens my friends went boy crazy but I didn’t want to be held back by relationships and teen drama so rejected boys and, therefore, drifted away from my friends. Some days were lonely but mostly I was content with my own company. Once I went to University, at 17, I pushed myself to actually talk to new people. Some of those chats blossomed into friendships and one is even my husband. I’ve applied that same “push” each time I’ve moved. I don’t talk to people trying to make friends with them but just see if something clicks and comes of it. Where I last lived in Scotland, I also stopped being quite so solitary in my hobbies and joined clubs. So I guess my advice to people nervous about social interaction for whatever reason is to just push yourself into interacting with people without preconceptions of what might occur and consider joining in with something that encourages interaction.

    1. I think I was an introvert in grade school because I had to be…. if that makes sense. I didn’t have a lot of friends regardless of how I liked to socialize, causing me to connect with books and video games more than people. While not all people who partake in those activities are introverts, a lot are. I felt like I stood out because I was so animated about my love for those things.

      I never hit the boy crazy phase, either. I didn’t get it. I don’t know if I’m wired differently or not, but I’ve never been able to look at a hot guy and be head over heels like that. How can I even be infatuated if I don’t know what he’s like?

  3. ‘Humans are meant to struggle. We’re meant to face challenges; it’s how we grow. Interesting how, even though challenges are so important to the happiness of many, we often avoid them in this world. If we want, we can huddle in our home, work remotely, buy groceries off the internet and never step outside. We can be perfectly safe, but does that allow us to be free?’
    resonating line… 🙂

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