Is it just me, or is discussion of sex the most taboo topic in our society. We can freely talk about a man’s beheading or whether women should be allowed to breast feed in publish, but God forbid you mention sex. Don’t say you do it. Definitely don’t say you enjoy it. In fact, you should do nothing else about sex than feel shame that you would ever even consider giving in to such animalistic urges. I’m throwing those notions out the window today because I happen to enjoy discussions about sex. Specifically, let’s talk about premarital sex!
Until around 2011, I was set on waiting until marriage. At that point, I did not think premarital sex was a sin. Plenty of my friends had had sex for years and I freely talked about the activity with them. Until then, I was simply convinced that, while sex before marriage may be the right path for some, it was not the right path for me.
Before I go further, I feel like I should mention my ideas on what sex actually was pre-2011. I grew up in a religious home, attending Catholic school through 8th grade and with many religious friends. Sex was also a common topic when I was in high school. Some of my friends were sexually active but those who did “everything but” still considered themselves virgins. I plan on talking about virginity on Friday, so I won’t say much on that now. Just know that, until recently, I didn’t consider anything besides vaginal penetration with a penis to count as sex.
During those young teenager years, sex was little more than an interesting topic. I didn’t think any man would be interested in me, so any serious thought on sex seemed pointless. Before I graduated high school, I would encounter Levi and Zachery who both showed me all I needed to attract men was to have female parts. Romantic interest still seemed like a long shot.
As years passed dating my boyfriend, I began to give thought to marriage. Never would my teenage self have believed a man would be interested in marrying me. That said, I did not date without thought of marriage. As I considered the dynamics of my relationship, marriage and sex, one mantra repeated in my head. If he loves you, he will wait. If he really, truly cares about you, he will wait.
There is some truth to that. No person (gender is irrelevant) who honestly cares about someone would pressure them or force them into sex. However, what does waiting prove. Can it prove that your partner loves you? Can it prove you can trust them? Can is prove you will be together forever?
The older I got, the more I sought logical reasons for religious concepts. Waiting for sex was promoted because of the heightened emotional pain that would result when a sexually intimate relationship ended. We protected ourselves by holding out. That logic made complete sense to me until I was old enough to have serious discussions on divorce and infidelity. It seemed apparent to me that waiting for marriage did little to maintain fidelity. It certainly didn’t prove a relationship would last forever. In fact, if a person really wanted to have sex with someone, what was stopping them from getting married, having sex and then divorcing? Waiting until marriage didn’t guarantee you’d never sleep with another person because nothing can provide a 100% guarantee that a marriage will last.
It was these thoughts spinning in my head that finally brought about a breakthrough. My mantra was flawed. What I was really saying to myself was that I didn’t trust my boyfriend unless he married me. I didn’t believe with 100% certainty that he loved and cared about me. I held sex as a hostage, to be given only when he proved how much he loved me by putting a rock on my finger and following through with a ceremony.
Having established that marriage is not proof of love, trust or fidelity, waiting for sex until marriage based on proving those concepts seemed like poor logic. Marriage doesn’t prove anything. What it really does is celebrate something that is already there. More important, though, is trust. What my mantra said was that I didn’t trust a partner until marriage.
Is there anyone out there who supports marrying someone you don’t trust?
Trust, love, acceptance, passion and commitment should be established before two people marry each other. What affects the permanence of the marriage is not whether or not a vagina has been penetrated, but the faith and commitment two lovers have for each other.
I don’t believe that my idea is the only idea. The fact is, my mantra tainted my outlook on romance a bit. Women are taught to fear men from a young age and they are also taught to never trust them. We are told we can’t trust a man without marriage, as if a ring and a ceremony could somehow change anyone into a trustworthy human being.
It was clear to me trust had to exist before marriage. For some people, this might be different. For me, a girl who had this flawed idea of sex and trust imprinted into her mind from a young age, the course of action was clear. I could not marry someone I didn’t trust.
Do you believe marriage proves are guarantees anything? Did you grow up being told “if he loves you, he’ll wait?” Does such thinking cause more problems than solutions? A bonus question, considering the topic of Friday’s post: have you ever heard of God’s Loophole?