Ramblings of a Tortured Soul

Today’s poem is kind of odd in that it’s not a poem. I know many of these seem to be rambles, but this really is one. This is one of those pages I turn and see the real darkness I struggled with as a child. Sometimes, I feel guilty for saying I suffered depression. There are so many in the world who suffer more than I ever have. Yet, I felt this gloomy pressure penetrate my every thought. The following words were written in the middle of that dark place.

Writing was my escape from a young age. When I didn’t understand the emotions that controlled me, I wrote them out. This is where these poems are born from. Sometimes, I couldn’t keep any semblance of structure. In fact, the following is so unlike a poem, I almost skipped over it. However, I believe it says something about the state of my mind on February 5th, 2005. That makes this worth publishing, however hesitant I may be to do so.

Tortured Demon

There’s something inside me. Why do I get these overwhelming urges of fear, anger, depression, tears, evil? With every one comes the need to be alone. I don’t want people to see me like this so I wear a mask of happiness until my head hits the pillow. Recently, one or more of these urges have come almost every day! Is there a demon inside of me or am I the demon? Which ever one it is, this demon refuses to leave me be. Am I to suffer my whole life in unrest? Am I the only one who has shut themselves in a dark room, huddled in a corner, crying for no reason?
Why won’t it end?
Why won’t it leave?
Why won’t it stop?
Make it stop.
Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

I’m not really sure what to say to this. I escalated the size of the last phrase because that’s how I wrote it. I repeated it ten times because that’s how many times I wrote it. Whatever plagued me that night was clearly out of my control. Maybe it was a simple stressor related to peer pressure, bullies or parents. I’ve said repeatedly, though, that the stress and depression of teenagers shouldn’t be taken lightly. While some angst is normal, it can reach an abnormal degree. Should a teenager experiencing a “normal” amount of stress write something like this?

A photo of my high school poetry book with the words I wrote on February 5th, 2015.

I don’t have something specific to tell you about the night I wrote this. The reality is, this is how I felt most nights. I would continue to feel this way for a year or two more before I finally started to beat the darkness. Now, having mostly overcome that darkness, my heart goes out to those who never did. Many people in the country kill themselves in despair. Very few chance things could have been different in my life for me to take the same road.

Reading that page was like looking into a different world. I am so happy to have escaped.

What do you think of the above “poem” entry? What do you think it says about the 14-year-old who wrote it? Do you think such emotions should be considered “normal?” If not, what can be done to help someone with thoughts like that, especially a teenager who is unlikely to express these emotions to anyone if they can help it?


26 thoughts on “Ramblings of a Tortured Soul”

  1. I know all teenagers feel angst and strong surges of emotion and I’ve heard teenage girls feel it even more than guys, but this does seem pretty bad, particularly if you felt it all of the time. I’m glad you were able to escape and look back from a very different place.

    1. It dissipated after a while. At this point, I had all this anger, but wasn’t being treated as harshly as I was in middle school. I didn’t know how to cope with a world that didn’t require anger to survive. I think that was my confusion. I knew there was no reason for me to feel this way but I did anyway. I didn’t know it then, but I think I felt this way because I was still suffering from past scars. That’s where my anger and darkness came from.

  2. that is indeed pretty dark. No demons though, even when it feels like it, just emotions that need been dealt with. I find meditation helps a lot regardless of the emotion I struggle with. Therapy’ also a good option if it becomes overwhelming. A big hug and be well TK.

    1. I agree, meditation does help a lot! For me it provides a baseline of where I am emotionally and mentally; I take that information and try to move through my day with awareness, knowing that some thoughts might be more prominent than others, just like I experience in meditation.

    2. Thanks. I’m happy to have these thoughts behind me. In the middle of it, I thought it would never end. People would often try to comfort me by saying it would get better once I was out of high school. At 14 and when I was going through the really tough stuff in middle school, that wasn’t much comfort. All I heard was “you only have to suffer for 4+ more years.” That’s quite a long time.

      But it was true. All is well now. Thanks for your kind words.

  3. Hehe.. :/
    Yeah… I think it’s somewhat normal, sometimes, I think most of us have been there, but i for my part i could never tell anyone. not even my friends even less psychologist when my parent and my school tried to make me see one. I think it somehow made it worst to be examined by someone that you don’t know and ask questions that you don’t really want to answers..

    Is that blood or ink ?

    1. No blood, all ink. I did see someone in college, but that was an attempt to get to the bottom of my insomnia. No one ever noticed there was anything wrong with me. The few times I tried to talk about it, my feelings were pushed aside as unimportant. I’m not sure how it would have felt to see a psychologist. I have heard some bad stories, but I never experienced any.

      I think some teenagers spend a lot of time trying to hide these feelings and might be ashamed if someone found out. I’m not sure if that was your case, but I can see that being a problem. You’d think psychologists and therapists would know how to deal with that, though.

  4. I think everyone feels such emotions, but many are unable to express them. That is why writing is so relevant.

    Your cries of “make it stop” are similar to how I feel about so many things.

    “I would continue to feel this way for a year or two more before I finally started to beat the darkness. Now, having mostly overcome that darkness, my heart goes out to those who never did. Many people in the country kill themselves in despair. Very few chance things could have been different in my life for me to take the same road.”

    What was it that took you out of that darkness? What would you now say to yourself back then?

    1. I’m not really sure, to be honest. Writing helped a lot. I just kept doing what I had been doing since I was 10. I zoned in on something I didn’t like about myself that I could change and changed it. Even though I though my singing sucked, I entered solo vocal contest. I performed poetry in speech, eventually reading my own and making it to State when I was a senior. I became more open about my struggles to my friends since they listened.

      Eventually, I lost a lot of the despair had about people hating me or never being able to find love. I would come to decide that I didn’t care if people hated me. I didn’t care if I wasn’t fit for this world because I was here and the world would just have to deal with it. After my couple failed relationships, I realized I didn’t need to be loved to be happy. I focused on loving myself at that point.

      I still wasn’t perfect when I came out of high school and I may never be. I still hate walking around my old school or seeing some of those people because of the memories. That fact alone tells me I’m not completely over it yet.

  5. It is good that you channeled it into writing, a hard copy of reference for you to look back on and be thankful for overcoming such a dark time. Your pain demands to be felt, not in comparison with that of another but of it’s own strength so that you can move on from it fully. Keep feeling, keep writing and keep progressing!

    1. Thanks. Yeah, it defiantly interesting to turn these pages. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve sometimes thought what I went through wasn’t that bad or was normal. Then I read this and realize that there was something wrong there. That people suffer more than I doesn’t diminish what I felt.

  6. It’s a great poem that expresses the feelings really well, like it’s not going to stop and it just gets louder and louder. Of course nobody would like to see you upset or aged from these demons inside. The only reason to make it better is to get rid of these demons inside. Don’t know if the song Ghost by Ella Henderson will give you ideas.

  7. “I’ve said repeatedly, though, that the stress and depression of teenagers shouldn’t be taken lightly.” Very well-stated! This poem written by you at 14 is representative of many teenagers that age. My sons’ school is being more proactive in anticipating these types of struggles in the student body, by having speakers and discussions. Communicating with my teens is of utmost importance to me. I have continually told them that there is NOTHING they can’t tell me. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t hear everything. 🙂 But, it’s very helpful in dealing with social-emotional issues. Thank you for sharing your poetry!

  8. I feel so bad for that little girl. And I’m so glad that the woman she became found a way to experience joy.

    I hope that sharing your experience will help others who are in that place know that there is a way out.

  9. What fun to have your work from when you were 14! And yes, I think these intense feelings are normal. Good for you to write about them instead of bottling them up and taking them out on an unsuspecting underclassman. It’s amazing to see how your mental and emotional make up can change so dramatically through the years. It’s equally as amazing to identify what in you remains the same. Thanks for sharing! I might have to dig out some of my old journals. 🙂

    1. Thanks. I’m quite pleased that I kept these. I just couldn’t bare to get rid of them. I would have never taken these feelings out on underclassmen. It was actually opposite. They took out their frustrations on me. That’s where a lot of my younger struggles came from.

  10. Depression and moodiness are not reserved for teenagers. Some adults feel this way to – and we can doubt our being part of humanity, our worth, when we see our dark side. Sometimes it comes and goes, like a wave, feelings of depression can have a strong undertow. The wonderful thing about writing is that it I an outlet to help a soul through tough times. I liked the poem – it was raw motion.

    1. I think we see this as more normal for teenagers, though. When an adult feels like this, it’s depression. When a teenager feels like this, it’s just normal teen angst. I’m happy I found writing as my outlet. With no one telling us about what we were experiences and what to do about it, I saw many of my peers go down destructive paths just to cope.

  11. Hi TK. Thank you for sharing such a personal and moving post. I find writing is such a good release for all of my emotions and thoughts as well. I’m so glad you have come through those dark times and are able to help others with your inspirational stories and insights. 🙂

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