Time for something different! One of the reasons I was afraid to publish my old poems regularly is because I knew many would be dark. Well, on February 25th, 2005 I broke that trend, writing not on depression, but on love. Of course, at 14-years-old, there was no way I was anywhere near finding love, but I had many friends who thought they had. Many of my friends had grand dreams of lavish weddings, white picket fences and 2.5 kids. Where did I fit in all that?
I was a freshman in high school when I wrote the following poem.
Elusive True Love
Sitting here tonight,
I wonder if I’ll ever find,
True love, where is a man I can call mine?
So many couples, so many lovers.
I don’t even know what love is.
Is there a man for me?
Am I destined to be alone?
Inside I feel no pain, no cold.
Yet, there is something missing.
For I wonder, deep inside,
Have I ever experienced real happiness and joy?
Even if all fails in the end,
Even if I don’t believe,
I’d like to prove those ‘ifs’ wrong.
*I wish I may, I wish I might,
Find someone to love,
Find someone who love me, too.
Someone to complete my life.
I’m left wonder where exactly these ideas came from. Never did I go through any kind of ‘boy crazy phase.’ The only thing I’d call a phase is the period of time in middle school where I tried to do and say things to
be popular get people off my back. Long story short, it backfired. There wasn’t a man I was interested in on any romantic level. There were more girls than boys in my class. Those who didn’t contribute to bullying ignored me. I was more than happy to accept that. Being ignored was better than being bullied. No way was I going to say anything that might egg something on.
But this poem is written in high school. In fact, it’s written during the second semester of my Freshman year – the year I took the mandatory health class. This is particularly significant because the first man who I ever had anything like a crush on was in that class.
He was nice to me and interested in similar things. I could see him doodling anime characters during class, a class he was retaking for the 3rd time. Not only did that mean he failed this pathetically easy class multiple times, it meant he was a year or so older than me. There’s no shame in failing a class you tried your best in, but even I knew the only reason he failed was because he didn’t care. He didn’t do his work, didn’t hand in papers and didn’t act as if he cared one way or the other.
He was a keeper, right?
Looking back, I imagine I only had a ‘crush’ on him because he was kind to me. Without prompting, he spoke to me and he spoke with kindness. Sometimes, he hung around the same group of nerds, skaters and druggies I did (because I was (and am) flaming nerd). They didn’t mix much with my other friends, but they were good people. I credit hanging out with them as part of the reason bullies didn’t mess with me as much in high school. They didn’t want to accidentally anger someone who wasn’t afraid to fight back.
Back to the crush; it didn’t last long, but it happened and it happened around the time I wrote this poem. I imagine I was wondering if love was something for me. Having spent so much time living with hate, the idea of loving seemed foreign. Yet, many of my new friends had boyfriends. Some had boyfriends they’d met in middle school and had been dating for years. Where did I fit? Would anyone ever love me?
There will be a scattering of more love poems in the future, but I can provide a short answer to that question here. I would wonder until Levi and Zachery. After them, I was well convinced love wasn’t for me and was perfectly happy. If they signified the men attracted to me, if that’s what love was, I wanted no part of it.
What did you think of love when you were 14? When did you start dating? Did you ever crush on someone? Why did you crush on that particular person? Were they worthy of your affection?